Sunset Over the Mekong River

Sunday, April 21, 2024

The Savior Who Weeps

It was a tumultuous time.

In the movie Castaway, Tom Hanks plays Chuck Noland, a Fed Ex official from Atlanta whose plane goes down and he ends up stranded alone on an island. While Tom Hanks is a good actor, he does betray himself on one occasion during the film. At one point there is a storm, and a porta-potty washes up onto the island. The location of the company the porta-potty belongs to is written on it. As Hanks character reads the word Bakersfield, he says it with a touch of disdain, which only a Californian would know to do.

But I knew. Me—who never thought I would live in California. But we ended up in Bakersfield, where we went through one of the most difficult periods of our lives, which had nothing to do with that city—It just happened to be where we were at the time.

But the story begins a few years before that, in Haiti.

After we had been married a few years, we decided we would like to have some children. But Ingrid was not getting pregnant. We decided to seek medical help to try to figure out why. We started out by going to some doctors in Haiti, where we were living at the time. But we were not successful there.

Some Haitian people we knew suggested a different approach. They said we should each sleep with someone else. That way, either Ingrid would get pregnant with another man or I would father a child with another woman. That technique did not seem too appropriate to us.

Instead, we ended up consulting with a physician in Connecticut who had successfully helped my brother and sister-in-law with infertility issues. We made a few trips there and Ingrid ended up having two surgeries to try to correct some problems but, in the end, it was not successful. That was in 1988.

We thought about adopting. Being that we were in Haiti at the time, we figured if we did adopt, it would be a black, Haitian child. We contacted the pastor of the last church we had attended in Alabama, asking it this would be a problem if we were to do so (as many in that town did not approve of mixed race families) and eventually end up back in the church. He said it would be okay.

But neither Ingrid nor I would feel like adopting at the same time. I might feel like pursuing adoption at one point, but Ingrid would not. Or she would feel like adopting at one point, and I would not. Eventually we decided that children were just not going to be a part of our family, and we eventually grew comfortable with the idea.

Now for a bit how our theological journey fits into this. Before coming to Thailand we each had varied church experience. Ingrid's background was Lutheran, Christian and Missionary Alliance, and a brief foray into Pentecostal. Mine was Conservative Baptist and Presbyterian. We had most recently been a part of a Southern Baptist church. These churches tended to follow either a Dispensationalist or Reformed/Calvinistic theology. But in my own Bible reading I became disillusioned with both of these. My Bible School was of the dispensationalist stream but I had also read theology texts of the Reform writers.

Both Dispensationalism and Calvinism/Reformed theologies are systematic theology systems. The problem I have with systematic theologies is that the systems end up becoming the end rather than the means to the end. They are meant to help us understand what God is like, but end up being used to define what God is like. If a particular scripture didn't seem to fit the system, it was taken out of context and/or its meaning twisted so that it would. I wrote more about that here. But I didn't know what to do with these thoughts. Was I alone in thinking like this? Was I a heretic in my brain?

In 1989, a woman had been part of our team the first time we had gone to Haiti in 1981 sent us a couple of books: Power Evangelism by John Wimber and Power Christianity by Charles Kraft. (Though I didn't get around to reading the latter until a couple of years later.) John Wimber espoused Kingdom Theology (beliefs that are also held in the Anabaptist churches we are now a part of) and he used a phrase that kind of pieced everything together for me: The kingdom of the already and not yet. Suddenly it all made sense to me—Wimber had summarized in a few words how I was coming to understand the Bible. John Wimber helped launch the Vineyard Movement in Anaheim, California which had grown into the Vineyard Christian Fellowship of Churches. (Several years later joined about a dozen other people to learn more about this Theology in a Vineyard Bible Institute class taught by John Wimber.)

By 1993, we knew something needed to change—either we had to move someplace else in Haiti or we had to leave Haiti. I arranged to take an Apprenticeship in Ecological Horticulture at UC Santa Cruz. It was a six-month program and it would give us time to process what we should do next. We arranged all our belongings, separating what we would not keep if we were to leave. During the time we were in California, we would make up our minds. In September, about a month before the apprenticeship program was over, it was clear to us that we should not continue to work in Haiti. After the program was over in October, we went back to Haiti to finish up things with the Baptist Haiti Mission and then moved on to California.

While I was taking the apprenticeship, Ingrid got a job in home health nursing out of Atherton. She was staying with my sister and family in that area while I camped out on the farm at UC Santa Cruz along with the other apprentices. In the meantime, we joined a Vineyard Christian Fellowship Church in Palo Alto because we wanted to explore more about what we read in the books while in Haiti. It was a time of healing and refreshing for us. After the apprenticeship was over, I got a job landscaping in the Bay Area.

In January, 1994, I contacted the Soil Conservation Service (now the Natural Resources Conservation Service) in California about job opportunities to do work similar to what I did in Alabama in the early 1980's. I found out there were possible job openings in Bakersfield and possibly the Mojave Desert area. So I applied for a job with them.

The following month, there was a conference on Healing at the Vineyard Church in Anaheim. The keynote speakers were John Wimber and Francis Macnutt. We would take the opportunity to visit Bakersfield and also visit a cousin who lived in the area whom I had not seen in 18 years. (More about that here.)


Nicolls Peak 3
On our drive through Kern County for the first time we saw Nicolls Peak
We decided then that we would climb it one day,
though it was several years before we found the way up.


We had an amazing time at the conference, and it is really hard to describe what was going on inside us spiritually. At one point, there was a prayer time for those struggling with infertility, and Ingrid decided to receive prayer for that. We were convinced that God was at work. I even had a name for our daughter to be.

A couple of weeks later we found out that if Ingrid was going to get pregnant, it wasn't yet.

That same week we got a phone call from a couple we used to work with in Haiti. They had left before us and settled in Alabama. They were calling to tell us that their teenage daughter was pregnant and their daughter was wondering if we would be willing to adopt the daughter when she was born in two months.

If they had called just a few weeks earlier, we would have said no without hesitation. But now we were thinking about children again. We said we would pray about it and get back to them soon.

Soon. We did not have a lot of time if we were going to process everything. We prayed and got others to pray. We consulted with others. In the end we felt led to go ahead with it.

About this same time, I got offered the job in Bakersfield, starting the beginning of April. The baby was due at the end of that month. When I told my coworker we were moving to Bakersfield he said to me incredulously, "Bakersfield!? You're moving to Bakersfield!?" I did not know it had the reputation as the armpit of California. When I saw the scene in Castaway several years later, it reminded me of this conversation.

Since this was to be an out of state adoption, we secured a lawyer in Alabama to help us. Bethany Christian Services was handling things on the California side. We had to do a home study that we began in Mountain View but finished in Bakersfield. We even had to take an infant first aid course.

We found an apartment in Bakersfield kitty-corner from my office. We connected with the Vineyard Christian Fellowship that met in the school across the street. I made the trip to find the apartment by myself, because Ingrid was busy working. It was a bit scary, making that kind of decision without my wife present, but she was happy with my choice.


Doves on porch May 1996 Ektachrome 2
We shared our apartment with some doves


About two weeks after I started work (thirty years ago, this month), we got the phone call that the mother was going into labor. We quickly made arrangements for Ingrid to travel, since I was not able to leave my new job. So Ingrid packed our baby carrier and flew to Birmingham, then rented a car and drove to the hospital. There, she was able to hold the baby. But in the end, the father refused to sign the adoption papers, even though he had previously said that he would. We were devastated.

Ingrid returned to California with no baby. She left the baby carrier with the birth mom. We were left with trying to make sense of something that made no sense. It's not like we had been looking for any of what had just happened. So why did our hopes have to get raised so high only to be struck down so low? It seemed like God was leading in all of this. Did we—and many others—mis-read it all? And if we weren't misreading it, what was God doing to us? It felt like God betrayed us. There was the temptation to quit God. But where else do we turn? When I think of my life before I met Jesus, I had no desire to go back to that.

So rather than use this occasion to give up on God, we used it as a time to get closer to Him. And while the pain did not immediately go away, the presence of Jesus was there in the pain.

One day, I was riding in the car and I heard this romantic song playing on the Christian radio station in Bakersfield, KAXL, called "I Still Do." I called the station to find out more about it and find out it is by a guy named Vince Wilcox. Somehow, I got hold of the CD it was on, which was entitled Reconciled. We didn't have internet in those days, so I am not sure where I ended up getting it—I'm guessing I must have ordered if from a music store or Christian bookstore. However, there was one song that we ended up listening to, and singing along to, even more than I Still Do. It was a song that really resonated with what we were going through. (Click the song title below to watch a You Tube video.)


The Savior Who Weeps

by Vince Wilcox and Don Pardoe

VERSE 1
“Our brother is gone,” her words cut like a knife
into the heart of the Lord.
“If You had been here, then he wouldn’t have died,”
she cried to the light of the world.
So they went to where Lazarus slept
And realized as Jesus wept… that

CHORUS
He shares every heartache.
He bears every grief.
He is there when your heart breaks
And you can’t find relief.
When the pain is relentless
The darkness so deep;
He is right there beside you—
The Savior who weeps.

VERSE 2
What can you say when the prayers have been prayed
And no miracle comes along?
How can you comfort a mother and dad
Now that their baby is gone?
But there in the darkest of hours
The tears of God mingle with ours… ’cause

CHORUS

BRIDGE
One day every tear shall be dried,
But till that day He cries when we cry, ‘cause…

CHORUS TAG
Crying beside you,
The Savior who weeps.


Recently, I read the book Echoing Hope: How the Humanity of Jesus Redeems Our Pain. The author, Kurt Willems, went through significant suffering as a child, and the book is partly as result of his processing all of this. As I read the book, I was reminded of the adoption that didn't happen and other valleys we have walked through on our sojourn on this earth. In the book, Kurt writes:

Jesus is what it looks like when God shows us how to be human. Immunity to pain is something that cannot be claimed of God since in Jesus we have a God who experienced excruciating suffering. In Jesus, God suffers with us all.

And because of his presence, suffering doesn’t get the final word. Love does.

Kurt also shared a quote from author Sarah Bessey that I can relate to. After reading the quote, I acquired the book it came from and, once I started reading, I had a hard time putting it down. In Miracles and Other Reasonable Things, Bessy writes:

Like most of us, when I walked through my own valleys of darkness and suffering and loss, God was often revealed to me in the darkness rather than in the light. The valleys were where I became intimate with God, far more than the mountaintops.

I don't always understand why we go through all the messy stuff that life brings us. There are many occasions when I ask, "What was that all about?" or "Why did I have to go through that?" I may not get answers to those questions in this life. But when those hard times come, I seek refuge in the loving arms of Jesus, who suffered pain and sorrow far worse than I have and which He did not deserve. As the controversial Super Bowl spot this year stated: He gets us. Jesus has been there. Jesus has done that. And now Jesus is here for us when we go through tough times.


Notes:

Willems, Kurt. Echoing Hope: How the Humanity of Jesus Redeems Our Pain (p. 209). The Crown Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Bessey, Sarah. Miracles and Other Reasonable Things: A Story of Unlearning and Relearning God (p. 132). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.

This blog took a long time to come together. I first got the idea when I started reading Echoing Hope more than a year and a half ago. Somewhere in there I put a title on an empty blog for whenever I might get around to writing it. But then we were so busy with ministry and preparing to leave Thailand and all the stuff that goes with that, that I did not finish reading the book until last fall. After reading the book, I started writing the blog. But then I felt I should read Sarah Bessey's book first. After that I finished the draft. In January, I made most of the final edits, but I wasn't ready to publish the blog yet. But this month came along—the 30th anniversary of the failed adoption. So, I made the final edits and published the blog more than 1-1/2 years after I started.

Tuesday, April 16, 2024

A Call for the Return of Jesus

I'm not a great fan of San Francisco. I had been there twice in the 1990's and figured that was enough for one lifetime. But my niece had moved there with her husband, whom I'd never met, and she was also a new mom, so we braved the the streets that never seem to end up going the same direction they started. After dropping of my wife and brother at my niece's house I drove around...

...and around...

...and around... (you get the point)

...until I found a parking spot.

At least by that point, the rain had let up so I didn't get too wet walking to the apartment, which is located in the shadows of UCSF where my nephew is attending medical school.

My niece found us a hotel for the night that wasn't too far away with a Groupon that included parking—a $35 value just for that latter part. The hotel was in Berkley, a place I had perhaps driven through once in my life. I had not realized that Berkley went all the way to San Francisco Bay. The hotel was beautifully situated adjacent to the marina.

The next morning we went out looking for some affordable breakfast, a challenge in Berkley, but possible with the help of coupons and fast foot restaurants. Driving back to the hotel, we stopped at a small park that had a handful of parking spots and a short path along a spit reaching into the bay that afforded views of San Franciso, the Golden Gate Bridge, and other places I don't know the names of. There were a couple of park benches, the condition of which said that they had only been recently installed. But even more recent was the editorials scibbled in permanent marker. The message on the left side was in support of the Palestinians in Gaza. The message on the right side I interpreted as a prayer for the return of the Messiah...

Bench Graffiti in Berkley
Park Bench in Berkley


"FREE ALL OPPRESSED PEOPLE" the writer exclaimed on the bench. The co-location of the message with the one mentioned earlier suggests that it implied that the Palestinians in Gaza were among them.

When I read these words, I immediately thought of Jesus words when He announced his public ministry. Jesus had gone into the synagogue on the Sabbath, as was his custom. On this occasion, he was invited to be the guest speaker. He was given a scroll to read, which just so happened to be some words from the prophet Isaiah, who was writing about the Messiah to come.

     “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
  because he has anointed me
  to proclaim good news to the poor.
     He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
  and recovering of sight to the blind,
  to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
  to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”
Luke 4:18, 19 (ESV) quoting Isaiah 61:1, 2

Jesus then inferred that these verses applied to Him. Jesus will begin proclaiming good news to the poor. Jesus will proclaim liberty to the captives. Jesus will give sight to the blind. Jesus will set at liberty those who are oppressed. These things are the marks of the Kingdom of God. But Jesus did not finish these things before He went to heaven. But He said that He will return and then He will finish establishing His Kingdom.

In the meantime, he charged those people who follow Him to continue to bring the Kingdom of God to the earth. We are to continue to proclaim good news to the poor, proclaim liberty to captives, bring sight to the blind and set at liberty those who are oppressed. We won't finish the task, but we should keep at it until such time as Jesus returns to do so.

So this bench in Berkley is a reminder that the church still has work to do as long as there are still oppressed people. It is also a prayer for Jesus to come back and finish what He started.

Maranatha.

Come, Lord Jesus!

Monday, April 15, 2024

Consider the Lilies Coreopsis

With all the rain we've had this year, there was talk of a superbloom in California, much like last year. A superbloom happens in arid areas that get an unusually wet year resulting in an unusual abundance of wildflowers. There was one last year, but we weren't here to appreciate it. So, on the first of April we made a trip might check out the wildflowers. Some locations we considered were Carizzo Plain, the Antelope Valley Poppy Preserve (there was a good bloom there at the end of March, 2017 when we passed through on our way back from getting our Thai visas in Los Angeles), and Red Rock Canyon State Park in the Mojave Desert.

Antelope Valley Poppy view 5
Antelope Valley Poppy Preserve, March 31 2017

From what we read on blogs, Carizzo Plain was okay, but it looked like the bloom period was a bit stretched out. The Antelope Valley Poppy Preserve has a live webcam, but the views at the time weren's very spectacular. Nothing like we saw back in 2017. (pictured above)

Flowers in Red Rock Canyon State Park
Hillside in Red Rock Canyon State Park, Fall 1998

So we decided to visit Red Rock Canyon State Park, where we had fond memories of a superbloom back in 1998.

While the blooms in Red Rock Canyon were okay, they weren't a nice as back in 1998. We did, however, see some yellow carpets of Goldfields (Lasthenia gracilis) between California City and Red Rock Canyon.

Wildflower Landscapes near California City 7
Carpets of Goldfield (Lasthenia gracilis) North of California City


But the best displays we saw were the normally bare slopes of the southern Sierra Nevada Mountains near Walkers Pass where God had painted entire hillsides yellow with Bigelow Coreopsis (Leptosyne bigelovii) blooms. And I thought of the when Jesus was talking to his disciples where he said:

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (Luke 12:27 ESV)

Wildflower Landscapes near Walkers Pass 3
The Mountains on the North Side of Highway 178 Headed up to Walkers Pass


Here in the deserts of California God did not just clothe the flowers in splendor, He dressed entire mountains in attire suitable for the most festive occasions.

Wildflower Landscapes near Walkers Pass 14
Getting Closer


Leptosyne bigelovii A. Gray Asteraceae Asteroideae-Coreopsideae-Bigelow coreopsis, Bigelow tickseed 15
Pacific Crest Trail Winding Through Golden Slopes of Bigelow Coreopsis (Leptosyne bigelovii)
North of Walkers Pass, Kern County, California

Leptosyne bigelovii A. Gray Asteraceae Asteroideae-Coreopsideae-Bigelow coreopsis, Bigelow tickseed 9
Closeup of Bigelow Coreopsis (Leptosyne bigelovii)


Following are some of the flowers we saw over the course of two days. Stops were made in California City, Red Rock Canyon State Park (Kern County), Inyokern (Kern County), Fossil Falls (Inyo County), Little Lake (Inyo County), Walkers Pass (Kern County), and Highway 155 between Alta Sierra and Glennville (Kern County). Photos are in alphabetical order by species name.

Abronia pogonantha Heimerl Nyctaginaceae-Mojave Sand Verbena 8
Abronia pogonantha - Mojave Sand Verbena

Amsinckia tessellata A.Gray Boraginaceae Cynoglossoideae-Cynoglosseae-bristly fiddleneck, tessellate fiddleneck, devil's lettuce 2
Amsinckia tessellata - Devil's Lettuce

Anisocoma acaulis  Torr. & A. Gray Asteraceae Cichorioideae-Cichorieae-Microseridinae-scale bud 1
Anisocoma acaulis - scale bud

Astragalus purshii Douglas Fabaceae Faboideae-Galegeae-woollypod milkvetch 1
Astragalus pursuit - woollypod milkvetch

Baileya multiradiata  Harv. & A. Gray ex Torr. Asteraceae Asteroideae-Helenieae-Tetraneurinae-Desert Marigold 2
Baileya multiradiata - desert marigold

Castilleja exserta (A.Heller) T.I.Chuang & Heckard Orobanchaceae (formerly Scrophulariaceae)-purple owl's clover 3
Castilleja exserta - purple owl's clover

Chaenactis fremontii A.Gray Asteraceae Asteroideae-Chaenactideae-Fremont's pincushion 16
Chaenactis fremontii - Fremont's pincushion

Chylismia claviformis (Torr. & Frém.) A.Heller Onagraceae-Browneyes 10
Chylismia claviformis - brown eyes

Cleomella arborea (Nutt.) Roalson & J.C.Hall Cleomaceae (Capparaceae)-bladderpod spiderflower 2
Cleomella arborea - bladderpod

Cryptantha intermedia (A. Gray) Greene Boraginaceae Cynoglossoideae-Cynoglosseae-common cryptantha, Clearwater cryptantha 2
Cryptantha intermedia - common cryptantha

Cylindropuntia echinocarpa (Engelm. & Bigelow) F.M.Knuth Cactaceae Opuntioideae-Cylindropuntieae-silver cholla 4
Cylindropuntia echinocarpa - silver cholla

Deinandra arida  (D. D. Keck) B. G. Baldwin Asteraceae Asteroideae-Madieae-Red Rock Tar Plant 6
Deinandra arida - Red Rock tar plant

Encelia actoni Elmer Asteraceae Asteroideae-Heliantheae-Enceliinae-Acton's brittlebrush 6
Encelia actoni - Acton's brittle brush

Eriogonum inflatum Torr. Polygonaceae Eriogonoideae-Eriogoneae-desert trumpet 5
Eriogonum inflatum - desert trumpet

Eriophyllum wallacei (Gray) Rydb. Asteraceae Asteroideae-Madieae-Eriophyllinae-Wallace's Woollydaisy 6
Eriophyllum wallacei - Wallace's woollydaisy

Erythranthe rhodopetra N.S.Fraga Phrymaceae (Scrophulariaceae)-Red Rock Canyon Monkeyflower 10
Erythranthe rhodoptera - Red Rock Canyon monkeyflower

Gilia ochroleuca M. E. Jones Polemoniaceae-Volcanic gilia 3
Gilia ochroleuca - volcanic Gilia

Lasthenia gracilis (DC.) Greene Asteraceae Asteroideae-Madieae-Eriophyllinae-Common goldfields 7
Lasthenia gracilis - common goldfields

Lepidium fremontii S.Wats. Brassicaceae Brassicoideae-Camelinodae-Lepidieae-dessert pepperweed, desert alyssum 3
Lepidium fremontii - desert alyssum
A very fragrant flower

Lepidium flavum Torr. Brassicaceae Brassicoideae-Camelinodae-Lepidieae-Yellow peppergrass 1
Lepidium flavor - yellow peppergrass

Layia glandulosa (Hook.) Hook. & Arn Asteraceae Asteroideae-Madieae-Whitedaisy Tidytips 1
Layia glandulosa - whitedaisy tidytips

Malacothrix glabrata (A.Gray ex D.C.Eaton) A.Gray Asteraceae Cichorioideae-Cichorieae-Microseridinae-desert dandelion 11
Malacothrix glabrata - desert dandelion

Mentzelia albicaulis (Hook.) Torr. & A.Gray Loasaceae-Whitestem blazingstar 7
Mentzelia abicaulis - whitestem blazingstar

Oenothera primiveris A.Gray Onagraceae-desert evening-primrose 3
Oenothera primaveris - desert evening-primrose

Oenothera californica (S.Watson) S.Watson Onagraceae-California Evening Primrose 5
Oenothera californica - California evening-primrose

Rafinesquia neomexicana A.Gray Asteraceae Cichorioideae-Cichorieae-Microseridinae-Desert Chicory 5
Rafinesquia neomexicana - desert chicory

Phacelia tanacetifolia Benth. Boraginaceae (Hydrophyllaceae) Hydrophylloideae-tansy phacelia, lacy phacelia 3
Phacelia tanacetifolia - lacy phacelia

Rumex hymenosepalus Torr. Polygonaceae Polygonoideae-Rumiceae-Canaigre Dock 5
Rumex hymenosepalus - canaigre dock

Salvia carduacea Benth. Lamiaceae Nepetoideae-Mentheae-Salviinae-thistle sage  4
Salvia carduacea - thistle sage

Sphaeralcea ambigua A. Gray Malvaceae Malvoideae-Malveae-desert globemallow, apricot mallow 6
Sphaeralcea ambigua - apricot mallow